Quick Update

I can’t believe that it has been over a year since I have posted. I have tried to a few times but it is just too hard to follow the posts about Celine. Things are still very raw for me in that aspect. I miss her everyday and a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about her. I know that she is watching over us and very much still a part of our lives but it is hard to not have her here with us actively participating in our lives. 

We have welcomed another child into our family, baby “J” was born on December 19^th and I will be posting his birth story fairly soon. Here he is right after he was born…

“D” just turned 7 years old. I cannot believe how time flies. It feels like just yesterday he was learning to talk and crawl and walk and now he is out playing baseball and asking if he can walk to and from school by himself (not for a very long time). He is such a smart boy and will be testing for the advance placement next school year, at the recommendation of his teacher. 

“A” is almost 2! I feel like I was just writing her birth story and here she is ready to celebrate another birthday. She is my little diva. She is very active and never rests but so fun to be around. She loves everything, especially bugs (ewww).

 

We also recently said goodbye to another very loved member of our family. Our puppy, Keishia, passed away at the end of March. She just turned 8 in November. She is also greatly missed by all of us. 

I graduated from school and now have my BA in Law and Justice. I have been looking for a job for several months now but haven’t found the right one for our situation. I need one that pays well and is close by so that I am not spending all my time commuting and missing out on watching my children grow up more that I already will be once I am working.

I'm Back!

Hello everyone. A lot has changed since I last posted over a year ago. I will be updating my blog and have been working on it recently to reflect some of the changes our lives have taken during this time. I hope you all doing well.

In the mean time, please consider voting for "A" and "J" in Seattle's radio station, Movin 92.5's "Cutest Baby Contest"
"A"
"J"

Thanks and I hope to be back very soon with the updates....

Party Time

Yesterday we celebrated “D”s 6^th birthday. I cannot believe what a big boy he is. We had a lot of fun, despite a few bumps in the road and he enjoyed his party.

I showed a side of myself that I really dislike. I got angry with D for being a kid. I don’t like when I get so angry with him and feel like I am going to snap. I am trying to keep my cool but I reached my max yesterday. I don’t understand why I let myself reach that point. I am really trying not to let myself get there but yesterday I didn’t keep it in check. I hate that I have such a temper and I hate that my kids, who mean the world to me, and Carl, who also means the world to me, have to see me like that or have to be the target of my temper. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and not come out. I know that some of it has to do with the amount of emotional stress and turmoil that I am going through but that is no excuse for my behavior. I know that I behaved worse than him and he is 6!

I have to learn from these experiences and find better ways to cope and not get so upset over such stupid things, like when children throw tantrums. I have to remind myself that it is part of being a kid and part of growing up and we all had them and we got through them and turned out to be decent people.

On another note, it was hard to celebrate and miss Celine at the same time. She has missed 2 of his parties but this is the first that I don’t have someone or something else to blame for her missing them. The other years it was her mother, one year, and the weather the other, we had a snow storm in the middle of April. I hate that she wasn’t there physically.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Have a great day!

Dear Celine

An many of you know my precious step-daughter Celine, "C", passed away last month. She fought a good fight against her brain tumor and the doctor's did what they could but her last seizure was too much for her body to handle. She was taken to heaven on March 12, 2010. The night after she passed away I spent a little time and wrote a letter to her. I feel that I am now ready to share this and to discuss her passing a little bit more than I was previously.

Dear Celine:

I cannot even put into words how much we miss you. I don’t understand why you were taken from us. You had so much more living to do. You were supposed to be a teenager and it was your job to make your parents crazy and wonder what they hell they had done to make you act so “crazy” and to look at you like you were an imposter. It isn’t fair!

All I can do now is try to be strong for your dad and your brother. I spend my alone time crying because I miss you soooo much. I miss our talks about being a teenager and how hard life is sometimes and telling you that you will get through it. I lied to you, I told you that you would be fine to just keep on living and try your best to make the right choices. But you aren’t living, you cannot try to make the right choices any longer you aren’t going to be given any more chances or learn from your mistakes any longer. That was taken. You were taken.

I wanted to go to Walmart the other night but your dad didn’t want me to go alone. Now whenever I go in the middle of the night I will think of you and all the fun we had during those middle of the night shopping excursions. How we would laugh at stupid things and walk around the store looking at everything just having fun. How we would always forget the shopping list and when we did remember it we forgot that we had it. I miss you!

I hate seeing the pain in your dad’s face, I hate knowing that there is not a damn thing that I can do to help him feel better. I cannot take this pain away from him. I hate it! It isn’t fair!

Your brother misses you so much. He asked God to give you a message. I hope that you got it. He wanted you to know that he loves and he always will even though you are dead. I don’t know how much he understands about the fact that you are gone and you won’t ever come to visit and run around with him and tickle him and make him scream in excitement. I don’t want him to get it, I don’t want him to understand. I want you here to do that with him.

Who is going to help me with "A"’s hair? Who is going to teach me how to braid it and use all those fancy products? Who is going to give her advice when she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore? Who is going to be her role model? Her big sister is gone. I am so sorry if I made you feel like you were not important anymore, as if "A" was replacing you. I am sorry if I didn’t reassure you enough or explain to you the special place that you held in our hearts that could never be taken away. That place is still yours. You will never be forgotten or replaced.

I know it is selfish of me to want you here with us when you were obviously suffering, but I still want you here. I know that I should be happy that you are in a better place, but I am not. I am sad and I feel broken. I feel helpless. I feel like my world has been turned upside down and shaken around. I don’t know what to feel right now. I have to be strong but I feel so weak!

I love you Celine and I always will!

Love always,

Lyndsey

6 Years Ago

Dear “D”:

6 years ago today my life changed forever.

It seems like just yesterday that I was so done being pregnant and I just wanted you out. I wanted to meet you and hold you and see what you were like. I had no idea that I would love you as much as I did. Then I had no idea that the love I felt for you the moment I laid eyes on you would grow everyday and still grows. I cannot imagine my life without you.

You were the most adorable baby that I had ever seen. You were so chubby and cute. As soon as I laid you on my chest you stopped crying, you looked at me with your big brown eyes and I knew that everything would be okay. It was the most amazing feeling in the world to have brought another human in the world. It was and is very overwhelming at the same time. I had no idea the amount of pressure that a parent is under. We are responsible for raising another person. Thank goodness that you made it so easy.

I know that you will be an important person and will change the world with whatever you choose to do. You can be anything that you want to be and I will support you as you work hard to achieve your dreams.

So much has happened in our lives and you have been so brave and strong. You are doing amazing in school. Everyone is always so impressed with you and how smart you are and how caring and compassionate you are. I am so very proud of the young man that you are becoming. I cannot wait to see how much more you grown and learn as you continue to grow up.

I love you and Happy 6^th Birthday, Big Boy!

Interesting Information about Disposable Diapers

I just came across this wonderful article about disposable diapers and I wanted to pass it on to all you wonderful people who are considering cloth or just curious about some of the reasons that people use cloth diapers, other than the obvious of saving money.

Disposable diapers: Are they dangerous?
There's a lack of data about the chemicals found in diapers
Read more: http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2010/05/28/f-disposable-diapers.html#ixzz1CpNyNt7D

New Pampers diapers, which include Cruisers and Swaddlers, have been the subject of the two U.S. lawsuits. Specifically, the product's Dry Max Technology has been blamed for serious diaper rashes, likened by some parents on Facebook to chemical burns. The lawsuits, filed in mid-May 2010, follow the announcements of Health Canada and the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission that they're investigating parents' claims.

A Facebook page has been set up asking Procter and Gamble, the company that makes Pampers, to bring back the older versions of its diapers. The group has more than 9,800 members, a number that's growing daily.

Procter and Gamble denies Dry Max causes chemical burns.

"Intensive safety assessments, clinical testing, and consumer testing before, during, and after the launch shows that Pampers Dry Max is safe and does not cause skin conditions," the company said in a press release after the lawsuits were made public.

"Further review by pediatricians, pediatric dermatologists, and children's public health risk experts confirm these findings. The claims made in this lawsuit are completely false."

Regardless of the legal outcome, the bad Pampers press has shed light on the fact that parents are largely in the dark about the chemicals found in the disposable diapers their children wear. There's little data available.

Proprietary information

The diaper business is a self-regulating industry, meaning it's up to the diaper companies to ensure they're compliant with safety regulations in Canada.

"It is the responsibility of companies to ensure that the consumer products they import, sell or advertise in Canada meet all requirements of the Hazardous Products Act and its regulations, as well as any other applicable legislation," Christelle Legault, a media relations officer with Health Canada, told CBC News. "Therefore, it is the responsibility of industry to test their products and take other measures as appropriate to ensure that they meet Canadian health and safety requirements."

As a result, diaper manufacturers are not obligated by law to disclose the component parts of their diapers — via documents such as material safety data sheets — even though in many cases they share the same ingredients as cosmetics and personal-care products, which do list their ingredients.

That's why the average pack of diapers might offer up "petrolatum" as its only ingredient, rather than providing a specific list, the kind found on shampoo, moisturizing lotion and lipstick.

Research on the issue is scant. Apart from the countless websites set up by eco-conscious groups or purveyors of organic diapers, very little scientific literature exists on the chemicals diaper manufacturers use.

There is an often-cited study by Andersen Laboratories in 1999, published in the Archives of Environmental Health. In the study conducted on mice, scientists found that "diaper emissions were found to include several chemicals with documented respiratory toxicity,'' according to lead author Rosalind Anderson, a physiologist. She found that the mice suffered asthma-like symptoms when exposed to a variety of diaper brands.

It was noted that xylene and ethyl benzene were emitted by the diapers, chemicals that are suspected endocrine, neurological and respiratory toxins; along with styrene, a chemical linked to cancer and isopropylene, a neurotoxin.

Diapers contain a variety of plastics, adhesives, glues, elastics and lubricants, some of which can cause irritation.

Breaking down the diaper

Disposables are intended to wick away as much liquid as possible from the surface of the baby's skin, while containing solid waste as best as possible through a snug fit, cuffs and a cinched waistband fitted with adjustable tabs.

Though neither Proctor and Gamble nor Kimberly-Clark, the maker of Huggies diapers, responded to requests for information by CBC News, a manufacturing consulting website, The Diaper Industry Source, says most disposable diapers contain sodium polyacrylate, a super-absorbant gelling material. A polymer, it has the ability to absorb 1,000 times its weight in water, making it a very useful diaper component in its ability to contain urine.

Sodium polyacrylate's material safety data sheet indicates that "the respirable dust is a potential respiratory tract irritant." The dust "may cause burning, drying, itching and other discomfort, resulting in reddening of the eyes," not to mention lung irritation.

Diapers can contain cancer-causing dioxin when the paper used to make them is bleached, though a 2002 U.S. study found that exposure through diapers is significantly less than through food, and not of great concern. They can also contain polyurethane, adhesives, inks used to create the cartoon images found on many disposable diapers, and lotions used to coat the diaper liner.

These lotions often include petrolatum, essentially the same substance as Vaseline, which has the potential to be contaminated with polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs), cancer-causing chemicals found in crude oil, according to the U.S. Environmental Working Group, an organization that devotes itself to educating consumers about health hazards posed by a variety of products. Other common diaper substances include lotions containing almond oil or Jojoba, which can also lead to skin reactions in allergic children.

Many disposables also add fragrance to their diapers to mask fecal odours or chemical odours, which in many cases contain phthalates, the class of chemicals known to disrupt the endrocrine system. That's the strong smell that diapers often give off when newly opened.

Alternatives to disposables

With the recent controversy around big-name disposables, "green" diaper manufacturers as well as sellers of cotton diapers are cashing in. The last five years have seen an increase in the number of these products, many of which promise chlorine-free paper pulp as an absorbant layer, as well as diapers that are fragrance-free and hypoallergenic.

One such company, Seventh Generation, lists what's in its diapers on its website — a departure from the large diaper manufacturers who do not disclose this information.

Companies that sell or provide cotton diaper services also say that their product provides parents with peace of mind: their products are made of a 100 per cent breathable, all-natural material and are chemical-free. However, many parents feel they fail to offer the ease of use and convenience provided by disposables, though their cost is comparable.

Read more: http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2010/05/28/f-disposable-diapers.html#ixzz1CpOYvask

New Year's Resolutions

I am still working on my New Year’s resolutions, but the studying one isn’t going very well. I cannot believe how time flies. It is already midterms and I once again fell behind. I am very disappointed with myself. I know better yet I never fail to do this. I should be a few chapters ahead of where I am in my reading yet I let myself get behind and now I am playing catch-up. Ok, I am off my pitty party for now.

I have decided to rejoin a weight loss program that I did off and on while I was pregnant to try to not gain as much weight. It is called Fit Pregnancy. I am able to record what I eat, how much I exercise and my weight. I am then able to see how I am doing and adjust where needed. It also calculates about how many calories I need, since I need more than a typical diet since I am still breastfeeding. Best of all, it is FREE! I love free things that actually work and aren’t junk.

One of my other goals is to become a better communicator with my family. I am a “yeller” and “D” hates to be yelled at, this causes a lot of unnecessary tension and stress in our household. I have really been trying not to yell and go a more positive route instead of retributive. So instead of punishing him I give him choices that I can live with and then when he chooses one that might not be the best he gets to deal with the natural consequences. I am still learning but so far it really seems to be helping. He is able to learn from his mistakes instead of me nagging at him and telling him what to do and he is able to feel like he has some control over himself.

I am also trying to communicate better with Carl. I am trying not to yell or get an attitude when I am frustrated and this is very hard since that is what I know. I am also trying not to get on his case for something that I may not like or agree with and instead express my wishes and leave it alone. This one isn’t going as well as it is with DeShawn but I am still working on it and trying my best.

How is everyone else doing on their New Year’s resolutions or goals?