Computer

I finally got my "new" computer from Dell. This one works (for now) and I love it! I forgot all the cool stuff that the other one was supposed to be able to do and this one does it. I am still trying to transfer all of my data from the other one, but that is not a big deal. I also have Vista on this one, so I am getting used to that. But the tablet settings on Vista are AWESOME!!! I love it, the computer can understand my handwriting without me having to write like I am a computer. The battery is much stronger than that of the other one, which makes life much easier for me. Now the next step is to get a new bag for it. The one that I have looks like luggage and it is big and bulky. Any suggestions????

Yesterday

Yesterday was a very important day for me for two reasons. The first is it was "C"'s birthday, but was also the day that my brother died three years ago. I had a hard time last night thinking about it, I really try not to because it makes me really sad and really angry. I don't understand why people are the way they are. My father lost his son three years ago and still doesn't want me. I don't understand what I did to him to make him not want me. Maybe he just doesn't want to think about it or maybe he doesn't want to have any other children in his life. I have reached out to him multiple times since my brother's death and really haven't got much of a response from him. I don't know if I should keep trying or just quit like he has. It hurts me really bad to know that my son will probably never know either of his grandfather's because Carl's dad is dead and mine doesn't want to be a part of his or my life. I miss my brother, even though I didn't really know him, I do know that dispite everything that happened between us or my mother and our father, I still looked up to him and loved him. I remember his laugh and corny jokes and they make me smile, but cry at the same time. I miss that part of him and wish that he could have met my son and been a part of his life, but he didn't and now he won't get to be. I see my brother in my son, he has the same type of temper, sense of humor and they have the same build, they are both tall and muscular. I still miss him and will never forget him.

Love...

This love thing has got me so damn confused! I never feel like I am showing Carl just how much I love him. I want to be the woman that he deserves but I really don't know what that means. I have never had a good relationship "role model" or a good relationship that I could learn from, both my mom and my grandma were single parents and I have never really had a father. The only thing I have to go by is what I see on TV or read in a book, which isn't the greatest. I have a horrible time communicating, I really don't know how to communicate in an effective way. I usually don't say anything about my feelings until I get really angry and that is usually when we are arguing. I know this is wrong and not the way to deal with things but how else should I deal with them, I feel like if I bring them up when they happen I am going to start an argument... Also, whenever Carl brings up something I get defensive, I always feel like I am being attacked and like I have to defend myself, even when I know that I am not. I try to make an effort not to get defensive but I don't really know what that means...

On a better note, "D" is sleeping in his own bed and has been for over a week, almost two!!! This is awesome.

"C"'s birthday is today, she is 15. Happy Birthday!!!

"D" had speech therapy this morning with "Ammie" and he really likes her. They worked on his pre-reading skills and played with Playdough. I wish that I spent more time with him doing these kinds of things. I never feel like there is enough time in the day. I am going to try really hard to make more time with him and Carl, I know that will help everyone!

Any advice????

Sunday

Today is Sunday, back to work tomorrow. I am getting nervous about going to CWU this Fall. I have an orientation on Wednesday. I have to figure out if I will have Work Study there. I will also probably have to take out a student loan, which I haven't had to do so far. This could be a good thing as it will help me with my credit and have some money to help with bills and such, but it will come down to whether I will get Work Study or not. If not then I probably won't have a job, at least not where I do currently. This could cause all kinds of problems, which I really don't want to think about right now. But it is late and I have to get up early and take Carl to downtown for a meeting with the Attorney General... Sounds like so much fun, right... Not!

But tomorrow is also the start of a new week and hopefully the sunny weather will stick around a little longer for us all to enjoy!!!!

Life.....

This quarter is really kicking my butt! I am taking three online classes and am finding myself slipping back into my old ways of waiting until the last minute to do everything. I cannot keep this up, or I will most definitely fail come next quarter when I start at CWU. I have a lot on my plate right now but still need to keep up with my homework.

I am really sick of this house! We have to find something new soon! We cannot keep going like this, we have no room for anything including ourselves. "D" is growing out of his bed and we don't have room for a bigger one. He has slept in it every night for a week now and isn't fighting us about it or anything, he just goes in we read to him and turn on the music and he falls asleep. But we really need to work on getting him to bed earlier.

We didn't qualify for the parenting study which makes me upset. I was really looking forward to doing it, I hoped we would get to be on the group that got to do the 22 weekly parenting groups, but now we don't get to be on any group...

Carl doesn't want to have another baby right now, I understand where he is coming from but still don't like it! I want a baby, I think I have "baby fever" and want to have another baby. He is right about wanting to be financially ready and have a better house that has room for us before adding another person to the mix, but I still want one.

Anyways, back to homework I go....

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was nice. Carl and I argued a little in the morning but that was because I was not exactly being a nice person, some might say I was being a bitch...

So after and while I was "bitching" at him he made me a wonderful breakfast and "D" helped. So I ate a ton of food for breakfast.

After much ado I convinced him to go with me to my mother's house to see my mom and my grandma, my uncle Tim also came with his daughter Felicia. Carl barbecued a delicious lunch/diner for us all. He made steak, shrimp, baked potatoes and asparagus. He also bought a peach pie and Tillamook French Vanilla Ice Cream (which is divine).

It was SOOOO nice. Everyone was getting along, for the most part, and there weren't any huge fights! I think that is a first for a family get together for my family.

My poor grandma though, she is having a very hard time dealing with my Uncle Mike's death. He died almost 1 year ago, and this was her first Mother's Day since then. I wanted to comfort her but I didn't know what to say and my mom was having a hard time too. But they deal with grief in very different ways so they tend to irritate each other (even though most things they do irritate each other).

I was such a bum this year. I didn't even get either one of them a card or anything. I am so mad at myself. I have to do something nice for them soon! I am thinking about making something with "D" for them, since they obviously like him more than me, I don't know why....

I know that my blog is VERY new, but if anyone comes across it and has any ideas please let me know.

My Poor Baby...

My baby is sick. He had a low grade fever Saturday and Sunday so I called the 24 hour nurse line and the lady said that it was probably croup. So I didn't take him to the hospital, then last night he was coughing so I gave him about a half teaspoon of honey, which the nurse told me to do to help the cough. Then he laid down next to me in bed and started complaining about his throat hurting so I gave him another pillow. Next thing I know he is projectile vomiting all over me. This is only the second time in his whole life that he has thrown up! He gets undressed and tells me that he feels better now. Then he wants to talk about "puking" for the next 20 minutes until he falls asleep.

Needless to say, I think that the honey was a bit much for his stomach since he hadn't really eaten all day.

But on a better note, my back is feeling better today. I have been trying to take is easy for the past couple of days since I hurt my back but now it is feeling better. I will still take it easy because I know that if I don't it will start hurting again!