Letting go....

I have decided that it is time to let go of some of my diapers, well I guess they are actually "A"'s, but still. I am having a very hard time accepting that I will not have any more children, at least in the foreseeable future, and I feel like I am finally letting go of that hope. "A" is growing up so fast, she has moved up to size medium in most of her diapers and we need to get rid of the ones that are too small.

I hate that I am having such a hard time getting rid of the diapers. I mean they hold her poop and pee, why is it so hard to get rid of them? It isn't like I would save disposable diapers, so why do I feel like I am getting rid of something so important. I know that I tend to keep everything and that may also be a part of it, but I also feel like I am getting rid of part of her. I know that is totally illogical but I cannot help it.

All these people that I know are pregnant and I love seeing them happy but I feel so disappointed with myself. I feel like I have failed. I cannot explain it as I know in my head that I have a wonderful family and having more children would be risking my life and the future of my children, that they could possibly run the risk of living without a mother and I am not willing to risk it. I remember after I had "D" and only sort of feeling like I wanted another baby when I saw my friends having babies, but not until he was quite a bit older than "A".

I have posted the diapers that are too small for her on Craigslist and I hope that they sell fast so I don't have time to reconsider it. I have decided that once they sell I will buy a new wrap and some more diapers, as a way to cope with it.

If anyone has any words of advice I would love to hear them right about now… :-)