Yesterday we celebrated “D”s 6th birthday. I cannot believe what a big boy he is. We had a lot of fun, despite a few bumps in the road and he enjoyed his party.
I showed a side of myself that I really dislike. I got angry with D for being a kid. I don’t like when I get so angry with him and feel like I am going to snap. I am trying to keep my cool but I reached my max yesterday. I don’t understand why I let myself reach that point. I am really trying not to let myself get there but yesterday I didn’t keep it in check. I hate that I have such a temper and I hate that my kids, who mean the world to me, and Carl, who also means the world to me, have to see me like that or have to be the target of my temper. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and not come out. I know that some of it has to do with the amount of emotional stress and turmoil that I am going through but that is no excuse for my behavior. I know that I behaved worse than him and he is 6!
I have to learn from these experiences and find better ways to cope and not get so upset over such stupid things, like when children throw tantrums. I have to remind myself that it is part of being a kid and part of growing up and we all had them and we got through them and turned out to be decent people.
On another note, it was hard to celebrate and miss Celine at the same time. She has missed 2 of his parties but this is the first that I don’t have someone or something else to blame for her missing them. The other years it was her mother, one year, and the weather the other, we had a snow storm in the middle of April. I hate that she wasn’t there physically.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Have a great day!