Friday, April 22, 2011

Dear Celine

An many of you know my precious step-daughter Celine, "C", passed away last month. She fought a good fight against her brain tumor and the doctor's did what they could but her last seizure was too much for her body to handle. She was taken to heaven on March 12, 2010. The night after she passed away I spent a little time and wrote a letter to her. I feel that I am now ready to share this and to discuss her passing a little bit more than I was previously.

Dear Celine:

I cannot even put into words how much we miss you. I don’t understand why you were taken from us. You had so much more living to do. You were supposed to be a teenager and it was your job to make your parents crazy and wonder what they hell they had done to make you act so “crazy” and to look at you like you were an imposter. It isn’t fair!

All I can do now is try to be strong for your dad and your brother. I spend my alone time crying because I miss you soooo much. I miss our talks about being a teenager and how hard life is sometimes and telling you that you will get through it. I lied to you, I told you that you would be fine to just keep on living and try your best to make the right choices. But you aren’t living, you cannot try to make the right choices any longer you aren’t going to be given any more chances or learn from your mistakes any longer. That was taken. You were taken.

I wanted to go to Walmart the other night but your dad didn’t want me to go alone. Now whenever I go in the middle of the night I will think of you and all the fun we had during those middle of the night shopping excursions. How we would laugh at stupid things and walk around the store looking at everything just having fun. How we would always forget the shopping list and when we did remember it we forgot that we had it. I miss you!

I hate seeing the pain in your dad’s face, I hate knowing that there is not a damn thing that I can do to help him feel better. I cannot take this pain away from him. I hate it! It isn’t fair!

Your brother misses you so much. He asked God to give you a message. I hope that you got it. He wanted you to know that he loves and he always will even though you are dead. I don’t know how much he understands about the fact that you are gone and you won’t ever come to visit and run around with him and tickle him and make him scream in excitement. I don’t want him to get it, I don’t want him to understand. I want you here to do that with him.

Who is going to help me with "A"’s hair? Who is going to teach me how to braid it and use all those fancy products? Who is going to give her advice when she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore? Who is going to be her role model? Her big sister is gone. I am so sorry if I made you feel like you were not important anymore, as if "A" was replacing you. I am sorry if I didn’t reassure you enough or explain to you the special place that you held in our hearts that could never be taken away. That place is still yours. You will never be forgotten or replaced.

I know it is selfish of me to want you here with us when you were obviously suffering, but I still want you here. I know that I should be happy that you are in a better place, but I am not. I am sad and I feel broken. I feel helpless. I feel like my world has been turned upside down and shaken around. I don’t know what to feel right now. I have to be strong but I feel so weak!

I love you Celine and I always will!

Love always,


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

6 Years Ago

Dear “D”:

6 years ago today my life changed forever.

It seems like just yesterday that I was so done being pregnant and I just wanted you out. I wanted to meet you and hold you and see what you were like. I had no idea that I would love you as much as I did. Then I had no idea that the love I felt for you the moment I laid eyes on you would grow everyday and still grows. I cannot imagine my life without you.

You were the most adorable baby that I had ever seen. You were so chubby and cute. As soon as I laid you on my chest you stopped crying, you looked at me with your big brown eyes and I knew that everything would be okay. It was the most amazing feeling in the world to have brought another human in the world. It was and is very overwhelming at the same time. I had no idea the amount of pressure that a parent is under. We are responsible for raising another person. Thank goodness that you made it so easy.

I know that you will be an important person and will change the world with whatever you choose to do. You can be anything that you want to be and I will support you as you work hard to achieve your dreams.

So much has happened in our lives and you have been so brave and strong. You are doing amazing in school. Everyone is always so impressed with you and how smart you are and how caring and compassionate you are. I am so very proud of the young man that you are becoming. I cannot wait to see how much more you grown and learn as you continue to grow up.

I love you and Happy 6th Birthday, Big Boy!