Friday, August 7, 2009


I finally got my "new" computer from Dell. This one works (for now) and I love it! I forgot all the cool stuff that the other one was supposed to be able to do and this one does it. I am still trying to transfer all of my data from the other one, but that is not a big deal. I also have Vista on this one, so I am getting used to that. But the tablet settings on Vista are AWESOME!!! I love it, the computer can understand my handwriting without me having to write like I am a computer. The battery is much stronger than that of the other one, which makes life much easier for me. Now the next step is to get a new bag for it. The one that I have looks like luggage and it is big and bulky. Any suggestions????

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Yesterday was a very important day for me for two reasons. The first is it was "C"'s birthday, but was also the day that my brother died three years ago. I had a hard time last night thinking about it, I really try not to because it makes me really sad and really angry. I don't understand why people are the way they are. My father lost his son three years ago and still doesn't want me. I don't understand what I did to him to make him not want me. Maybe he just doesn't want to think about it or maybe he doesn't want to have any other children in his life. I have reached out to him multiple times since my brother's death and really haven't got much of a response from him. I don't know if I should keep trying or just quit like he has. It hurts me really bad to know that my son will probably never know either of his grandfather's because Carl's dad is dead and mine doesn't want to be a part of his or my life. I miss my brother, even though I didn't really know him, I do know that dispite everything that happened between us or my mother and our father, I still looked up to him and loved him. I remember his laugh and corny jokes and they make me smile, but cry at the same time. I miss that part of him and wish that he could have met my son and been a part of his life, but he didn't and now he won't get to be. I see my brother in my son, he has the same type of temper, sense of humor and they have the same build, they are both tall and muscular. I still miss him and will never forget him.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


This love thing has got me so damn confused! I never feel like I am showing Carl just how much I love him. I want to be the woman that he deserves but I really don't know what that means. I have never had a good relationship "role model" or a good relationship that I could learn from, both my mom and my grandma were single parents and I have never really had a father. The only thing I have to go by is what I see on TV or read in a book, which isn't the greatest. I have a horrible time communicating, I really don't know how to communicate in an effective way. I usually don't say anything about my feelings until I get really angry and that is usually when we are arguing. I know this is wrong and not the way to deal with things but how else should I deal with them, I feel like if I bring them up when they happen I am going to start an argument... Also, whenever Carl brings up something I get defensive, I always feel like I am being attacked and like I have to defend myself, even when I know that I am not. I try to make an effort not to get defensive but I don't really know what that means...

On a better note, "D" is sleeping in his own bed and has been for over a week, almost two!!! This is awesome.

"C"'s birthday is today, she is 15. Happy Birthday!!!

"D" had speech therapy this morning with "Ammie" and he really likes her. They worked on his pre-reading skills and played with Playdough. I wish that I spent more time with him doing these kinds of things. I never feel like there is enough time in the day. I am going to try really hard to make more time with him and Carl, I know that will help everyone!

Any advice????

Sunday, August 2, 2009


Today is Sunday, back to work tomorrow. I am getting nervous about going to CWU this Fall. I have an orientation on Wednesday. I have to figure out if I will have Work Study there. I will also probably have to take out a student loan, which I haven't had to do so far. This could be a good thing as it will help me with my credit and have some money to help with bills and such, but it will come down to whether I will get Work Study or not. If not then I probably won't have a job, at least not where I do currently. This could cause all kinds of problems, which I really don't want to think about right now. But it is late and I have to get up early and take Carl to downtown for a meeting with the Attorney General... Sounds like so much fun, right... Not!

But tomorrow is also the start of a new week and hopefully the sunny weather will stick around a little longer for us all to enjoy!!!!

Saturday, August 1, 2009


This quarter is really kicking my butt! I am taking three online classes and am finding myself slipping back into my old ways of waiting until the last minute to do everything. I cannot keep this up, or I will most definitely fail come next quarter when I start at CWU. I have a lot on my plate right now but still need to keep up with my homework.

I am really sick of this house! We have to find something new soon! We cannot keep going like this, we have no room for anything including ourselves. "D" is growing out of his bed and we don't have room for a bigger one. He has slept in it every night for a week now and isn't fighting us about it or anything, he just goes in we read to him and turn on the music and he falls asleep. But we really need to work on getting him to bed earlier.

We didn't qualify for the parenting study which makes me upset. I was really looking forward to doing it, I hoped we would get to be on the group that got to do the 22 weekly parenting groups, but now we don't get to be on any group...

Carl doesn't want to have another baby right now, I understand where he is coming from but still don't like it! I want a baby, I think I have "baby fever" and want to have another baby. He is right about wanting to be financially ready and have a better house that has room for us before adding another person to the mix, but I still want one.

Anyways, back to homework I go....