Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Yesterday was a very important day for me for two reasons. The first is it was "C"'s birthday, but was also the day that my brother died three years ago. I had a hard time last night thinking about it, I really try not to because it makes me really sad and really angry. I don't understand why people are the way they are. My father lost his son three years ago and still doesn't want me. I don't understand what I did to him to make him not want me. Maybe he just doesn't want to think about it or maybe he doesn't want to have any other children in his life. I have reached out to him multiple times since my brother's death and really haven't got much of a response from him. I don't know if I should keep trying or just quit like he has. It hurts me really bad to know that my son will probably never know either of his grandfather's because Carl's dad is dead and mine doesn't want to be a part of his or my life. I miss my brother, even though I didn't really know him, I do know that dispite everything that happened between us or my mother and our father, I still looked up to him and loved him. I remember his laugh and corny jokes and they make me smile, but cry at the same time. I miss that part of him and wish that he could have met my son and been a part of his life, but he didn't and now he won't get to be. I see my brother in my son, he has the same type of temper, sense of humor and they have the same build, they are both tall and muscular. I still miss him and will never forget him.